I have been silent on my blog for a while now. Part of that was starting a new job, in a new town, as a trainee teacher. Another part, is my deteriorating health that makes every day a struggle without reprieve. I have been suffering idiopathic allergic reactions and anaphylaxis since I moved to start my new role, which on a number of occasions has left me on death's door, which has been, frankly, traumatising. I still work. I try to pretend that I am coping, but every time I get an itch, the anxiety sets in. Yesterday, I found out that after five months of waiting, and four anaphlactic episodes, my allergy clinic appointment was cancelled and the referral pulled from under me, with no communication from the clinic or my GP, and at this point, I don't know how to continue as I am. I am lucky that I have a partner, friends, and family who look out for me. But with austerity in the UK as it is, and NHS services being deliberately underfunded, myself and millions more people living with disabilities and life threatening conditions are living with this fear and anxiety and any support they had is pulled out from under them. This poem is really just my attempts to work through all the fear and frustration that has been building.